Whooo…things got ugly up in here….

It’s been a LONG time since i posted.  And things got ugly.  REALLY ugly.  How come no one told me reality was so friggen ugly?  Anyway…I alluded to big changes before I dropped off the face of the earth…but i’m back…and I’m a woman on a mission.

I’m having gastric bypass.

No…seriously.  I am.

I took myself off of my husband’s insurance policy and bought my own private insurance so that I can have bariatric surgery.  I’ve met with my GP and gotten approval to start the program.  I saw my OB and had Mirena inserted so I don’t accidentally get pregnant and stall my journey.  I’ve found a mentor who is motivating me…she had gastric bypass 3 years ago and is an amazing friend and resource.  I’ve attended 2 WLS information sessions and even had my sleep study.

Unfortunately….

I have severe sleep apnea and have to pick up my CPAP machine on 10/7.  I guess I just assumed that being a SAHM of 3 active kids was the reason I’m flipping tired all the time.  Guess not.

To be even more unfortunate…

I have to lose about 70 POUNDS to get my BMI low enough to even HAVE the surgery.  This is where I lost it.  I cried.  In the meeting.  70lbs.  SEVENTY.  That seems like Mount Everest right now.  Seeing 403lbs pop up on my doctor’s scale was humbling.  I’ve hit rock bottom.  Seriously.

So…my insurance requires a minimum of a 6mo program to qualify for surgery.  There are lots of tests, classes and requirements.  I hope to track my journey here.  It wont be easy, fun or pretty.  But it will happen.  Who’s with me?

Good News! I got fired!

Ok…so it’s not REALLY good news.  But there’s always a silver lining, right?  Here’s my silver lining:  losing my job is a qualifying life event.  With a qualifying life event, I can purchase my own health insurance without waiting for the normal ‘open enrollment period’.  So, I just signed up for a health plan I chose ESPECIALLY to make Weight Loss Surgery affordable for my family.  My effective date is August 1, 2014.  (A full 4 months sooner than waiting for my Open Enrollment!)  I’ll make an appointment with my new GP that week and attend my required WLS informational meeting on 8/12.  This will start my 6 month ‘clock’ to surgery…just in time for my birthday in February.

I shouldn’t be so excited…but I am.  A light at the end of the weight loss tunnel.  I’m so grateful I have a husband who has been so supportive of me having the surgery (or not) and pushing me to keep at it until we found a solution we could manage.  (Because the last thing I want is to be a hardship on my family.)  So…here we go!

Oh…and for the time being…I’m not telling anyone except for ONE friend who has had WLS and has had the success I want to have.  Not crazy “I was a size 30 and now I’m a size 2 in 18 months”  but more of a “I lost weight in a way that no one knows I had WLS.”  When the time comes, I plan to feign gall bladder surgery.

 

But here?  Here I’m keeping it real…

Good Gravy. Frustrated. Over it. Heading in a NEW new direction.

So…I bought an new scale and it nearly made me crap my pants.  It weighs me in at nearly 400lbs.  Talk about the feeling of failure.  I’ve been doing water & land based aerobics very regularly.  I was feeling good.  Then WHAM…I got mono.  MONO.  What grown person gets mono these days?  It’s flipping ridiculous.  Well, i’m recovering from that and get a message from my gym telling me that ‘GUESS WHAT’ your daily water class is an hour earlier and will no longer be covered by child care.  Fantastic.  The planets are plotting against me.  So I need another plan.

And then it hit me.  I can’t keep spinning my wheels like this.  I can’t just let other people make the decision on what I’m going to do.

So I’m going to do what I’ve wanted to do for a long time…but was too afraid to mention, ask about, move forward with:  I’m going to have Weight Loss Surgery.

Have you had it?  Which surgery?  How long ago?  What was recovery like for you?  What have your results been?  What advice would you offer?

Just in case you were wondering…

This is what 335lb looks like on a 5’3″ frame. I do not recommend it. I also do not know how to rotate my photos. My apologies.

The Drunken Hippo Returns!

It has been faaar too long since I hit the gym.  And the scale showed it.

 

Drumroll please.

 

I officially weigh 335lbs.  :faints:  Disgusting how far I’ve let myself go.  Especially since I’m only 5’3″ tall.  

 

But I sucked it up and went back to the gym.  I finally found athletic shoes that work for me and they made SUCH a difference!  I totally enjoyed my 1hr Zumba class…make that a 50 minute Zumba class…because my Darling Diva pooped in childcare, and we all know how that goes.

But then…a miracle happened.  Diva–who hates childcare—asked to go BACK after her diaper change.  AND I felt like I could use some MORE activity!  Unfortunately, the class was over by the time I returned and since I haven’t had orientation yet, I can’t use the cardio machines.  Bah.  So I walked some and then went to collect the kids to go home.  

Mentally, I feel great today.  I put forth the effort and I don’t feel like I wasted time and effort.  I think the trick was lowering my expectations of myself.  I WANT to go into Zumba and look AWESOME…hands and feet doing exactly what they need to do.  But that’s not realistic.  So today, I focused on tempo.  I’m not capable of all of the fancy footwork and arm movements that is characteristic of Zumba.  SO just focused on moving as fast as she was:  feet and arms generally working at the same speed and in the same general direction as the instructor…even if that meant just running in place and waving my arms.  It’s all about keeping my heart rate up, right?  Burning calories?  I’m feeling motivated.

 

I also checked my BP on their machine on their way out…117/83.  Can’t complain!

Gaaaah!!!

Omg….I suck! I can’t believe it’s been so long since I updated. Life kind of got away from me. My Daring Diva turned 2 last week…so we had family in town and her party and I just plain wasn’t feeling well.

Excuses….I know. But I’m over it and moving forward.

:drumroll please:

I have started adult land-based Zumba. I know! Right? I thought id be much thinner before I had the confidence to attend. But the cancellation of Aqua Zumba for the summer coupled with the fact that the indoor pool closes for thunder made me realize that I can’t count on the pool to be my sole exercise. Sine I’ve attempted ‘family Zumba’ with Wonder Girl…I thought I’d give it a shot. And guess what?!!

I suck. I stink. I look like a cross between a deer in the headlights and a drunken hippo. But I go. I move. I sweat. Not always the same moves at the same time as everyone else…but that’s ok. I’m doing the best I can. And guess what else? I don’t hate it!

Today, I went to a 1hr Zumba in the morning and 1hr Zumba Drum with WonderGirl this evening. I’m exhausted!

Out of my element…

Talk about feeling out of my element. Yesterday was a tough one…hence being too tired to post. Anyway, I had two bouts of ‘exercise’ yesterday. Both I was anxious about; neither I’m good at; both were more fun than I had anticipated.

First, I went with some other kids from Wonder Girl’s school to an Alpaca Farm! My three kids and I traipsing around for 2 hours was fun! Thankfully, it was not a hot & sweaty day!

That afternoon, after the two littles took killer naps, Wonder Girl begged to go to ‘Family Zumba’ at our local YMCA…how could I say no to that sweet face? Well. The joke was on me. She lasted 10 minutes. Then went down to the kids area and I was stuck looking like a deer in the headlights. A deer in the headlights attempting to do Zumba.

I HATE feeling uncoordinated, unprepared and inadequate. But the weird part was…as ridiculous as I felt…I really enjoyed it! I’m going to have to put on my big girl pants and go to ‘regular’ Zumba.

:sigh:

Well. That didn’t go too well.

So, today was the big day! Pack up the kids and hit the pool for 2 hours of classes. I’m supermom…I pack a peanut-free lunch for 2 kids plus a bottle for Captain Charming all in a standard insulated lunch tote. We get to the y, kids run in, baby sleeping…hurrah! My mother-in-law takes a class before me, so she offers to hang out in case there’s trouble. Boy! Am I glad she did!

Class starts at 11. 1130, she’s wheeling Captain Charming into the pool area. Apparently, he has soiled his charming pants and the daycare room does not DO diaper changes. And I left our stuff in the car. So…I climb out of the pool, run out to the car and back. (That’s still exercise, right?) I get back in the pool and then desire that the 2nd class (the one I like best!) is not offered using the summer! I almost cried!

So, rather than bringing the boy back to daycare, MIl keeps him. I shower/get dressed with about 40 senior citizens who,left their modesty behind with their youth. I met up with the kids and MIL to discover that Wonder Girl was being bossy and apparently is mad at me because I let her wear her open toe crocs to childcare room…but open toe shoes are not allowed….who knew? and by this time, Charming has pooped again.

So, that’s where we are. I did well…but sooo many complications piss me off. Maybe we’ll do better tomorrow?

Tomorrow is the day….

That I actually get my butt in gear. I’m excited and nervous all at once. It’s sooooo much more than ‘exercise’….it’s totally a lifestyle change for my whole family.

I’ve had to put it off because of Captain Charming. First, he wasn’t old enough for the daycare room. Then, he wasn’t so Charming. Next, my Daring Diva hate being in there ‘alone’. So…here we are. Wonder Girl is done with school and LOVES the daycare room. Daring Diva loves anything WonderGirl loves and Captain Charming is Charming and beginning to actually enjoy life!

So, my plan is to pack lunch/snacks for them and set out about midday. I’d like to take,shallow water aerobics from 11-12 and water Zumba from 12-1. Daring Diva will likely pass out on the way home… My mother in law takes deep water aerobics earlier, so she offered to hang out in case one/both/all of the kids had issues in daycare. There’s nothing worse than a 350lb woman doing the walk of shame from the daycare room in a dripping wet swimsuit. Nothing. So, I’m grateful for that support.

I will weigh myself on the Y scale and possibly take some ‘before’ pictures. Reality is gonna HURT tomorrow.

I’m not superwoman….

and why do I feel like I have to be? I’m sure I’m not alone in my feelings…but I feel very alone in my journey. I internalize everything…why? Because I fear judgement. If I admit weakness, then they will know I’m weak.

On the outside I appear like I have it all together. I live in a great house. I’m married to a guy who’s beyond what I ever could have hoped for (we’ll call him Superman) and amazing kids (Wonder Girl, age 5; Daring Diva, age 2 and Captain Charming, 4 months). I’m close with my family and friends. I’m home with my kids every day and seem to have it all together…at least most of the time.

But internally…my life is a struggle.

While people just see me as the REALLY nice/sweet fat girl. It goes beyond fat. I’m obese and trapped. I weigh over 350lbs. Everytime I feel like I’m digging myself out of the hole, I’m really just pulling the dirt down on myself.

I suffered 2 miscarriages before having my daughter…and it took me a while to conceive our second daughter…but our son was a complete surprise. I went from infertile to ‘holy crap I’m pregnant’ in a very short amount of time. 2012 was a tough year for us due to the pregnancy and some household stuff. We decided that 2013 would be ‘our year’ but here we are…mid-June…and its still a disappointment…at least to me.

I’m a terrible housekeeper. Seriously terrible. It’s embarassing. I should be doing housework now…but I’m overehelmed. We actually don’t invite people over as much as we’d like because of the state of our home. We’re not in need of Niecy Nash and the rest of her clean house crew yet…but I fear I’m closer to needing her than to NOT needing her.

So what do I expect to get from this blog? What are my goals? Well, for the time being, this blog is my therapist that doesn’t judge. My friend that doesn’t blab. My mother that doesn’t nag. It’s a sounding board for my anxieties and thoughts. It’s a planning zone for my journey. I love my life. And my life isn’t great. So how amazing would life be if I was in control?

I want to provide commentary on workouts, recipes, books. I want to track my progress. Progress to a healthier body. Progress to a cleaner home. Progress to the life that I and my family truly deserve.